Life on the Red Carpet Part Deux

So I'm a t-shirt and jeans guy. I'm laid back. I don't dress up and to be honest, not at all fashionable. I have more pairs of sandals then I do real shoes. And that high number is a whopping 5 pairs of flip flops. I've dated girls with 5 times that number. I have god knows how many t-shirts and if you look in my closet that's all you see is t-shirts. But half of them are from sports teams I've played on in rec leagues. One can be impressed with the sheer volume of clothes but they are not hip or in the current fashion motif.

When "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" came out I had friends who were kidding that they wanted to sign me up for the show. And they were only half kidding. I think one may of even attempted. My point is this, I'm anything but a fashionista.

As I've been in LA and I've gone out this simple fact has only been magnified. Santa Monica out on a Friday has everyone is decked out in their finest variety of black. Hit Silver Lake and it's hipster central. Go to the Key Club and it's all the rock out gear. In none of these places do I fit in. Hell, my DC outfit of Gap button down, jeans, and whatever sandals doesn't fit in. This has been my "going out" outfit for years as I've been in DC and that's what people wear. The places I somewhat fit in are the fashion centers of sports bars and Irish Pubs. Both meccas for current trends. I can somewhat place myself in the laid back atmosphere of the South Bay but that's in Hermosa and that's the dive bars. The sheik bars of Hermosa and Manhattan? Forget about it.

So what has caused this rambling should you ask? Well in the afternoon I get a call from my favorite European station asking if I was available to work. I say sure and ask what is the event. I am told it's another red carpet for a documentary on the fashion icon, Valentino. So I'm thinking sure I can work but I'm really like fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Now if you want to talk about the problems of the McCain '08 campaign compared to what Obama did right, I'm your guy. If you want analyze or talk about Henry Waxman or Maxine Waters, I'm your guy. You want me to talk about fashion with the icons of fashion.? Ahh. This is not good.

In fact, I could possibly be the worst person in LA to work this event that isn't living in a box or hasn't taken a shower in the past week. And that might not even be true. I'm sure there are several homeless guys who dig the Valentino. Point is, I don't know jack. The guy is talking to me like, of course I know Valentino. He's a fashion icon. I'm doing a major cases of the "uh huhs" on the phone as I'm telling him I can work it. I look at the clock. I have two hours to cram to learn what little I can.

So I get the tip sheet about the event and the list of people who are supposed to show up has Valentino, his partner, apparent fashion icons (again I don't know these people), Actresses Kelly Lynch, Kirsten Dunst, Gwyneth Paltrow and Anne Hathaway, you know, the fashion gals of Hollywood.

I'm a professional. I can cram. No worries. Thank god for the Internet. So I'm scanning the faces of all the players. I'm looking up Valentino, his partner. I'm absorbing every thing I can. I'm feeling more and more screwed. The fashion journalists are not like other journalists. They are divas themselves and get off on making and breaking people. They are not actually journalists. They are critics masked as journalists. They go into detail about designs when all I got is what Haute Coute and Pret A Porter is. And I'm killing the pronunciation of Haute Coute.

So I get to the event. I call my crew and he's not showing up fro an hour. I was told to get there early as it's open press, meaning they don't have assigned slots. The only problem is that's not true. It was open press for still photographers not tv. We have our spot so I'm there extremely early for no reason.

Now there is a future compare and contrast of DC media to LA media coming but the still photographers crack me up. They are all talking about their gear. They are all on Ipods or shooting the shit with each other. They obviously all know each other. There is a ton of them. They go to the same events. But the issue is they have the line now and they are friends. This will change. A couple of guys show up late and get called up by the event press person. This pisses off some of the guys. The one guy is adamant that there is a sign up list. He's adamant because he was one of the first people there and he has the list. The press person couldn't care less about the list and is calling camera person after camera person. Finally after some quiet rumblings and she goes to the guy's list. Which made me sad since if she didn't change her ways there might of been a riot and that would of been a great way to entertain me the next 30 or so mins as I waited for my crew.

So I get up there and I see my spot on the red carpet. Access Hollywood, then the wires, then the foreigner bastards like me. Whoo Hoo. I'm like 4th in line next to the AP and Reuters and in front of Fox News, TV Guide Channel and the Locals. Good stuff. There is no Insider or any of those guys. This is pretty damn solid. The celebs may not be bored by the time they get to me. Looking much better than the kids table I was at with the "ER" wrap party.

So it's early and everyone is chatting. The Fox girl, the TV guide and all those people to my right are chatting up a storm. Again the producers are dressed in leggings, bright colors, a lot of makeup. Not necessarily the classic, refined, glamorous look that Valentino was made famous for. For you non fashion guys out there, he was the go to for JackiO, Audrey Hepburn, and Elizabeth Taylor. He dressed Nancy Reagan and said she had great taste. He hated the 80s and can't stand that those styles are coming back. The very gaudy styles my cohorts to my right are wearing right now.

The one producer from the wires tells me how she's a fashion nut and is stoked by the event. She can't wait and goes off on how great Valentino is. Ok. I'm not denying the guy is a god and a creative genius. She looks at his clothes and is awed. I can talk about their elegance but really I'm the guy the guy in the t-shirt shedding a tear when Ken Griffey JR swings the bat because it's so beautiful. What can I say? I'm out of my element here.

So the wire producer is going on and on about fashion. The girls to my right are all looking down the red carpet talking and of course I'm looking down the red carpet and who's halfway up the stairs? Yup Valentino. I'm the guy that picks him out first. I've got the best eye for the fashion guru and I barely knew what he looked like two hours ago. I tell my crew who's moving slow as hell and then he's like, "oh Valentino is here" and the wires girl freaks out. She gets him first. She goes on and on and on and on. She knows her shit. I'm shaking my head. What the hell do I know? He heads to Access Hollywood and then his guy walks over to me and says I'm next. He wants to make sure the Europeans get him. He walks up I ask my first question, "What does having this documentary made and honoring you mean to you?" He misunderstands me. I should of been more detailed and asked a more focused question. He goes about how he likes the documentary and wasn't sure at first and was impressed by the detail and everything and now that he's seen it a couple of times he likes it. Crap. Not good. I focus my question and to ask about fashion, his style, and the end of an era with his retirement and get the answer I'm looking for. Then I follow up and ask if he could answer that same question in Italian. He laughs and shakes his head saying I'm answering in Italian in America. But it's not a good laugh. It's a a half this is silly and annoying laugh. Then add on top of that, I don't know Italian but I'm pretty sure he's answering the first crappy question. Not my second one I focused and need the translation for for the Italians. The wires apparently did the same thing. Then I asked him about getting all his family and friends and how they honor him. He calls me my dear and tells me so they love me and like me and I am happy. That's all I get. AP got a lot but their producer knew her crap. He's getting called in but the woman from Woman's Daily Wear gets him and he's more please with her because she's going into details and lines about his work. Crap! I just talked to a fashion god and all I got was an average answer. It will do and it works but nobody is going to be like that's a great bite. I need to regroup.

There is some blonde walking around and she's attractive but I can't place her. Turns out it's Nicky Hilton. Attractive but would be just another hot chick at the bar. Granted she's worth millions and if for some stupid reason ever met me at party would laugh at the ugly fat disgusting guy and try and crush me and I'm sure would succeed. She would then lay into how much of a poor loser I was and sadly I wouldn't be able to put up a fight. But it was funny, she's walking around and nobody wanted to talk to her. So much for being the classy sister who hasn't made a porn tape and has decided to quietly work on her purse line and make a ton of money. What does that get you? Walking around the red carpet with no one to talk to. If it was Paris I'm sure everyone would be going nuts. Not sure what that says about our society but I'm pretty sure that's it's not a good thing. Granted that was us video bastards. Once she got to the still end they shot the hell out of her.

Then comes Janice Dickerson. One word - scary. She's had some work done and it's not good. Now I still don't understand her whole, "The first super model" crap. I'm a dude in that age group where she claimed to come along. I had a Kathy Ireland Poster in my room. I know the Cheryl Tiegs and Christy Brinkley's of the world. I had no idea who Janice Dickerson was until reality tv. I'm going to go out on a limb but I'm pretty sure that means you're not the first super model.

Next up Joan Collins. She walks up and you know for a woman her age she was kind of a diva. And I don't mean that in a bad way. She's an icon and I guess what I'm saying is, ok, I can kind of see it. It is what it is. Of course what it is is she wanted no part of me. Access Hollywood and some station to the right and that was it. No wires, us foreign stations, or anything for her. Fair enough. She was waiting right in front of me as I was trying to get her press person who said she was coming over to me but alas didn't happen. She was standing there waiting for someone checking her IPhone and messaging. Yup. Joan Collins is up on the technology. Well done Ms. Collins. Some old dude walks up and she's off.

That brings me to the normal non celebrities. There was some serious age there. And I'm sure these people were fashion royalty and were gods of the industry and are magnificent at what they do. Only I had no clue who they were and I'm a nobody. Got it Accept it I'm impressed but I have one thing to say. Many of them (the vast majority) were dressed with elegance but there were the arbitrary people who needed to come to terms with the fact that, hell, you're freaking old. It's ok. It's nature. It happens. You can look good old. You can have an elegance. A grace. A wisdom and experience age brings. But please, for the love of god, lay off the pounds of make up and the plastic surgery. You're not looking good. You're just scaring the crap out of people. And I'm going to have nightmares tonight because of you. And I wish I was kidding.

Next up I'm asked if I want the director. The director of a documentary? Hell yeah I want him. It's only one of my favorite forms of entertainment. I talk to the guy and he goes on and on. I'm in someone's light (I think it's my crews of overfill from one of the wires) and I try to move to get the shadow off his face. I'm not having much success. I'm doing an ok job on questions. Not great. But solid. Maybe better than average. At least that's what I think. End of the Q and A and he thanks me for doing my homework and for the good questions. And he's not being nice. He's being serious. I do a little research, read about the movie, some reviews, some interviews of his and I seriously give him what I guess were his most enjoyable questions so far. Apparently the other people didn't actually read up on the whole reason we were there, the movie. I do know this after reading everything about the movie. I'm sold. I'm going to see it. Without a question. From everything I ready it seems like quite the interesting film. I just need to wait for it to come to me.

Then to my left I see the lovely Anne Hathaway. And when I say lovely. I mean graceful and elegant. Now in my experience in news I have had the pleasure of being in pretty damn close proximity to some icons of hotness, like say, Angelina Jolie and Elizabeth Hurley. They were of course good looking but looked much much better in film and especially pictures where the softness of film on top of proper lighting, not to mention hours of hair and make up, do wonders for a person. It's normal. And it's why they do what they do with the airbrushing and all the tricks of the trade. My point is they were something amazing in print and that was taken away in person. Natural and a fact of life and honestly something every person in this country should realize. It would make it a much better place. Hey dude, that girl in the magazine is not actually anywhere that hot. Get over it and appreciate the gorgeous girl next to you. She could be that hot. But I digress. Now I have heard of this rare phenomenon of some actresses, most notably Nicole Kidman looking light years better in person and have always sort of scoffed at such a thing. I'm a big believer in the aforementioned "nobody is as good looking in person as they are in a magazine." Well my friends I'm hear to tell you that it's not a myth. It's possible and it's a fact. And Anne Hathaway is a perfect example of that. She looks stunning. That's the best way to describe her. Just flat out stunning. It was incredible. Light years more than I expected (and I've always thought she was pretty damn good looking). She has been described as having the grace and style of old Hollywood and I now agree. She walked up with just absolute grace and elegance and just so well put together. She obviously has a session with her hair and makeup person and it worked. Like I said, one word - stunning. Just stunning.

Well lovely Miss Hathaway got bombarded by the wires and "Access Hollywood" and her person came up to me and said I had to keep it short, to one question. Ok fine. Then one of the freaking wire gals goes on and says, "only three more questions". You have to be freaking kidding me. She's already asked like six. Hey there publicist, why don't you grab your client and bring her down the line or regulate to wrap the wire girl. Well then the Stunning Miss Hathaway (her new official nickname) came my way and I got my questions in. Very nice. Great smile and very personable. And she stood out. Other crews came over and hoarded me as I was asking questions. On the red carpet when there are people going down the line so you hope they come to you or you just get video of them. Not with her. Everyone wanted to be close and get what she was saying even if it was just camera audio and someone else mic in the shot. That's what Anne Hathaway has become. And for good reason.

Then the people go in for the movie. Apparently Nancy Reagan was there but went in a back way. The stills got her but not us video folks. Gwenyth Paltrow never show and neither did Kirsten Dunst. It's ok. I'm pretty sure the Europeans don't know Dunst. As for Paltrow, well they will have to deal with The Stunning Miss Hathaway (as I said her official name). And you know what, if they knew what was good for them, they would be more than happy.

Steel Panther and Rodman

After having a pretty mellow Friday and nothing Saturday due to an actual day of work, a crazy Sunday, my Monday fills up quite quickly.
A friend of a friend has made the early Monday Show of the Upright Citizens Brigade or UCB, where Amy Poehler and others got their start. So she wants to support her friend and after two Mondays of sold out shows we actually decided to get tickets a week in advance. A good thing because the show sold out over the weekend. Its' a 5 dollar show and about 45 mins long.
So what they do at the show was they ask for a one word answer from the crowd. The first troop got Pyramid. The group on stage then brainstorms about what Pyramid means to them and it went to Beer Pong to being in college and doing whatever people told you did and then weird teachers they had. They they just improv various scenes. The second group got pony ad they brain stormed about how one guy at a pony his uncle claimed was his then another talked getting kicked off a horse and another about crapping themselves and then another about how they would pee themselves. Obviously the second group went more bathroom humor. Both were pretty funny and definitely worth the five bucks. Though I have to say it was funny but not that funny. I think the problem is I have way too many funny friends. DTK or Phil would of killed in this place. Of course they would of been simultaneously impressed and horrified at DTK. It would be great. They should move to LA and do Improv. It's a must. They are keeping the world from being a funnier place.

But after the show I have to run and go see what has apparently become my favorite Australian rock band the Hot Kicks who are playing at the legendary Key Club on the Sunset strip. They are playing a 30 min set and the cover is 20 bucks for the night. There will be three bands so I figured what the hell. I had never been there and don't think the Key Club will be a normal stomping ground for me. The Hot Kicks open and play well. There weren't as tight as they have been before but still sounded good. They finish another band goes on called Drill who wanted to know that they mother fucking rock. And that we are a bunch of mother fuckers. Everything to the lead singer was Mother fucking something. They could rock but I didn't feel it. They didn't do anything for me. They just tried to play fast and hard which I appreciate but there was absolutely noting special about them.

Then comes the headliner. Now it's Midnight on a Monday Night/Tuesday Morning and the place becomes packed. Everything is throwing back drinks. There are bleach blonde chicks wearing tight fitting slutty dresses flying all over the place. As the band comes on the titty cam (or at worst that's what I'm going to call it) go around focusing on girls cleavage. Then girls decide to start flashing the camera and its' on the big screens around the club. Ahh ok. And Seriously? No wonder why Girls Gone Wild can always find girls. We're just as a club on a Monday night and these girls have no qualms about showing their tits. Not that I'm complaining as I'm in the Ron White school of thought when it comes to boobs, "Once you've seen one pair, you want to see them all."

So then Steel Panther comes out. They are wearing spandex, have long hair wigs (except for the lead singer who's hair looked real) make up and are jamming 80's hair bands like a champ. They are dead on and hit every song on the head. Well except for "Pour Some Sugar on Me" which they sounded like crap on. It wasn't even close. They should just let it go and not try it. So the lead singer's pants start to fall down and you can see he's wearing a g string. Yes a dude wearing a G-string. Then they get girls on stage. They change every lyric to include something about getting laid and having sex. Girls are grinding on stage dancing with each other. Between songs he points some chick out and tries to get her to show her breast, mostly to success. He then starts talking to one girl in the front row who appears to be with her father. He's trying to get her to flash but then calls the old dude on stage who proceeds to rip off his shirt and pull down his pants. Did I mention this was some old dude. The band can't stop laughing as he's getting hauled off the stage. It was just nuts. This 60 year old dude ripping off his clothes. Are you kidding me. Shouldn't he be eating early bird specials in Delray? So then the guy points out that the guitarist from Sum 41 is there as is Benji from Good Charlotte. Both guys are about 2 feet tall. And I'm not kidding. They could of fit in my pocket. Later in the night Benji walked past me and he came up to my neck. I mean good lord he was a tiny little man. They called Benji on the play and he told them he didn't know any 80's rock songs. How the hell is this possible? How can any musician not know some 80's rock.

So next they bring out the big gun, Dennis Rodman who runs out and grabs a mic. He's up there screaming, bouncing around, and doing high kicks which is over the lead singers head. I mean they say Rodman is sober but he seems like he's messed up on something. He's going crazy up there for a couple of songs, grabbing all the guys, trying to play an instrument, and then screaming some more. After a few songs they tell Rodman to go party some more.

The lead singer of the Hot Kicks in down by the stage and runs back to us and is excited as hell as he just got a couple of pics with Rodman. He says he had a sticker and would Rodman wear one and Rodman tells him to slap it on him. Mick is stoked. I mean the guy is ear to ear. Then Rodman gets called back on Stage and he's jumping around singing with a Hot Kicks sticker on him. It's pretty damn cool and the band is flipping out. They were excited as hell and they are all taking pictures with Rodman with the Hot Kicks sticker on them.

Then Rodman gets off stage and walks right past us and sees the Hot Kicks and they start talking his guy. I'm literally 3 feet from Dennis Freaking Rodman. Then Rodman goes upstairs to the VIP room and my publicist friend follows him and the band gets the nod. They are going to hang with Rodman. Sadly I'm just a peripheral player (or a background drunk if you wish) so I'm not close enough to get the nod. But the photographer, the publicist (who are becoming friends) and the band (who are also kind of becoming friends or at worst now really know them all personally and get the high fives and hugs from so I would say an acquaintance) heads up to party with Rodman. After a while I'm told to head downstairs where Rodman was hanging in a corner and just leaves the bar. Mick is talking to Rodman's guy and they exchange numbers and will get in touch. I would say that was a pretty successful night. As for me I realize it's time to call it a night and take off.